Date of a Lifetime
Book and lyrics by Carl Kissin
Music by Robert Baumgartner, Jr.
IT’LL NEVER WORK OUT/THE MOMENT (Press Play):
Katie and Marvin are both in their respective apartments, getting ready to attend a speed-dating event.
KATIE
MY CAT IS GREAT
MARVIN
MY HAMSTER IS FUN
KATIE
I’M A CONNOISSEUR OF SOUP FOR ONE
I LIKE TO DANCE, ALL BY MY SELF
MARVIN
I LIKE TO READ MY SELF-HELP SHELF
KATIE
IN ME I TRUST AND I’M DEVOUT
NO PANIC, NO WORRY
MARVIN
NOT NEEDY, NO HURRY
BOTH
NO DOUBT – IT’LL NEVER WORK OUT
KATIE
I’VE GOTTEN USED TO SINGLE
AND THE SINGLE THING I KNOW
MARVIN
IS TO LOWER EXPECTATIONS
AND ACCEPT THE STATUS QUO
BOTH
Right.
MARVIN
MY PARENTS SAY, I COULD STAY AT THEIR PLACE
KATIE
MY DOCTOR SAYS, I COULD GET A NEW FACE
I KNOW A GIRL WHO GOT HITCHED AT FIFTY
MARVIN
I’VE GOT A CAR … I CAN RENT AT THRIFTY
BOTH
SO I DON’T STRESS AND I DON’T SHOUT
MARVIN
NO PANIC, NO WORRY
KATIE
NOT NEEDY, NO HURRY
BOTH
NO DOUBT
KATIE
IT’LL NEVER WORK OUT
MARVIN
IT’LL NEVER WORK OUT
BOTH
IT’LL NEVER WORK
(Marvin and Katie put their “Hello My Name Is” stickers on)
SPEED DATE HOST (V.O./PIANIST)
Welcome Rotate-a-Daters. Have fun tonight. If you like someone, write down their nametag number; and gentlemen, don’t forget to rotate to the next table each time you hear the bell.
(Ding)
BOTH
GOT FACEBOOK FRIENDS, AND FRIENDS I MEET
GOT CHOCOLATE BARS, AND MY YOGA RETREAT
SO LET’S BE REAL, WE’RE ALL ADULTS
AND NOT EXPECT REAL GOOD RESULTS
NO FUTURE HERE FOR US TO TOUT
NO PANIC, NO WORRY
NOT NEEDY, NO HURRY
MARVIN
NO WORRY, NO PANIC
KATIE
I’M ON THE TITANIC
MARVIN
I’VE NO DOUBT
KATIE
I’VE NO DOUBT
MARVIN
I’VE NO DOUBT
KATIE
I’VE NO DOUBT
MARVIN
I’VE NO DOUBT
KATIE
I’VE NO DOUBT
BOTH
IT’LL NEVER WORK –
(Katie and Marvin see each other. It stops them from finishing the song. They go into:)
MARVIN
THERE IS A MOMENT OF PURE POSSIBILITY
THAT CAN OCCUR SEVERAL TIMES IN A LIFE
BEFORE THE ONSET OF SENILITY
WHERE EYES MEET EYES AND KNEES GROW WEAK
TWO WOULD-BE LOVERS BEFORE THEY FIRST SPEAK
KATIE
FEEL THE INFINITE OPTIONS OF THIS MYSTICAL PLACE
WHICH IS A MULTI-USE REC ROOM IN THE BASEMENT OF SYMPHONY SPACE
BOTH
YOUR HEART MAY POUND AND YOUR PULSE MAY PEAK
TWO WOULD-BE LOVERS BEFORE THEY FIRST SPEAK
MARVIN
FEEL THAT SPARK GO UP YOUR SPINE
KATIE
DRINK THAT AWFUL GLASS OF WINE
MARVIN
IF YOUR HEARTS DO NOT ALIGN
KATIE
MODERN FAMILY’S ON AT NINE
MARVIN
EVERYTHING CAN WORK OUT FINE
BOTH
IF YOU DON’T ASK ‘WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?’
KATIE
BECAUSE ONCE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH YOU MIGHT REVEAL THAT YOU’RE:
A NAG, A BORE
A DRAG, A WHORE
A SKANK, A WITCH
A CRANKY-ASS BITCH
MARVIN
A SCHMENDRICK, A SCHNORRER
A SCHLEMIEL, A SCHLEMAZEL
A SCHMUCK, A SCHLUB
A CLUTZ, A PUTZ
BOTH
SOMEONE WHO HAS PHOBIAS AND SOCIAL DISORDERS
OCD OR IS JUST FREAKING NUTS
MARVIN
BUT BEFORE THAT DISAPPOINTING REVELATION
KATIE
LEADS TO CORTISOL-RELEASING STRIFE
MARVIN
YOU MIGHT BE MY DREAM DATE, MY TEASE
KATIE
MY SOUL MATE, MY SQUEEZE
BOTH
THE LOVE I HAVE SEARCHED FOR MY WHOLE LIFE
KATIE
THE ILLUSION MIGHT LAST A SECOND
MARVIN
A MINUTE
KATIE
AN HOUR
MARVIN
AN UNSPECIFIED INTERVAL
BOTH
OR A WEEK
IT’S THAT MOMENT
THAT VERY MAGICAL MOMENT
MARVIN
MORE MAGICAL THAN AN iPAD… MINI… WITH RETINA DISPLAY
BOTH
TWO WOULD-BE LOVERS BEFORE THEY FIRST SPEAK
(Date begins)
MARVIN
Hi, I’m Marvin, number 33. I’m an Internet journalist and this is my first time doing Rotate-a-Date. I like it better already than on-line dating. Instead of staring at a computer screen, I’m here talking to a real, live, beautiful woman. It makes it a lot easier to imagine actually being out on a date with you – taking you to some trendy restaurant that Zagat’s recommends, one with the word fusion somewhere in the description…
(Fantasy sequence begins)
*Authors note: From this point on, Marvin and Katie will speculate about future life events, inhabit the hypothetical world they imagine (denoted by ‘Fantasy’), then return to the reality of their eight-minute speed date (denoted by ‘Date’). Implicit transitions are not always noted.
KATIE
So this is Uncle Niko’s Casa de Sushi.
MARVIN
It’s the hot new cuisine: Japa-Mexi-Greek.
KATIE
I know – The Food Network devoted an entire week to it, achieving a record ratings share of 1. Shall we share a carafe of Souvlaki-Sake?
MARVIN
Of course — and might I recommend the Spanikopita-Hirohito-Burrito.
KATIE
How could I say no to that…or even say it in the first place.
(End fantasy)
ENDLESSLY (Press Play):
MARVIN
I am impressed by your intelligence and wit and when you ask me what I’m looking for in a woman, I reply, someone —
ENDLESSLY CLEVER, ENDLESSLY KIND
ENDLESSLY SEARCHING NEVER TO FIND
KATIE
That’s deep.
MARVIN
I’m a deep person.
ENDLESSLY WANTING IS WHAT HUMANS DO
BUT RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO LEARN ABOUT YOU
KATIE
Well Marvin, my name is Katie and I work in advertising —
(Marvin cuts her off mid-sentence to continue singing)
MARVIN
ENDLESSLY CURIOUS, ENDLESSLY SEEKING
ENDLESSLY MANIC, ENDLESSLY FREAKING
KATIE
You’re okay with me freaking out?
MARVIN
It shows you’re passionate.
ENDLESSLY WANTING TO WINDEX YOUR VIEW
RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO LEARN ABOUT YOU
(KATIE indicates she would like to get a word in. She cannot.)
MARVIN (cont’d)
IF IT GETS TIRING, WE’LL TAKE A REST
IF IT GETS SERIOUS, WE’LL SPEAK IN JEST
IF IT GETS BRITTLE AND CEASES TO BEND
THEN WE WILL SAY, OKAY
THIS MIGHT BE THE END BUT THEN
ENDLESSLY LOVING, ENDLESSLY DEAR
ENDLESSLY WHISPERING INTO MY EAR
ENDLESSLY SHOCKED AT HOW ALL THE TIME FLEW
I’M HERE CAUSE I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT YOU
RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO LEARN ABOUT YOU
KATIE
Wow Marvin, you’re a one-in- (looks around the room) thirty-five kind of guy.
MARVIN
Thank you. I think. May I keep going? I was enjoying our hypothetical date.
KATIE
Well, I happen to be free for the next four minutes, so… yes.
MARVIN
Great. One request though – minimal interruptions. It’ll help me achieve flow.
KATIE
Am I needed here at all?
MARVIN
(Takes out a fortune cookie from his wallet and shows her:)
“Happiness is not perfected until it is shared.”
KATIE
Oh, how nice—and I like how portable your reading material is. Go ahead.
MARVIN
All right, we’re at the restaurant.
KATIE
Uncle Nico’s Casa de Sushi.
MARVIN
Yes.
You tell me about your family and you say you’re not really hungry and barely order anything, but then “sample” most of my meal and all of my dessert. I act like ‘of course that’s okay, we’re on a date; we share.’ But deep down I really wanted every bite of my baklava flan tempura. I tell you about my work, highlighting my recent expose, featured on NY1.com: “How Clean Is Your Local Bodega?”
(Fantasy)
KATIE
(Hanging on his every word)
And then…?
MARVIN
Disguised as an undocumented worker, I documented-
KATIE
Ironic
MARVIN
-vermin in the food preparation area, hot foods not held at 140 degrees, and a misspelled Boar’s Head sign.
KATIE
B-O-R-E?
MARVIN
Yes.
KATIE
As if what goes on inside pig’s head were not interesting!
Well, all I can say is that was a poor sign (porcine).
MARVIN
Whoever wrote it was clearly ham-fisted.
KATIE
And had less than six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon.
(Date)
MARVIN
Conversation flows easily while each of us tries to ferret out that one errant response that might indicate that the other one is a wacko desperately trying to keep their psychological difficulties under wraps.
(Fantasy)
KATIE
And when you heard about that triple murder you felt…
MARVIN
(Cautious, unsure of how to not fail the test:) Bad? And when you heard about that humanitarian aid worker being kidnapped by Somali pirates you felt…
KATIE
Bad. But since you bring that up, did you ever think, “Gee, if I could get away with a kidnapping, collect ransom, and no one got hurt, I could use the money to buy a co-op.”
MARVIN
No, because living under the tyranny of a co-op board is like being under house arrest. But given that you came up with the question, maybe it’s something you’ve thought about?
But surprisingly, we both pass each other’s tests. Then, you take it to the next level.
KATIE
The game is called medicine-cabinet. If you hear the name of a drug that is inside your medicine cabinet you stand up, got it?
MARVIN
Yes.
KATIE
Ready? Zoloft.
MARVIN
Xanax
KATIE
Prozac
MARVIN
Oxycontin
KATIE
Elavil
MARVIN
Wellbutrin
(Neither has stood up.)
BOTH
Okay!
(They continue.)
KATIE
Ritalin
MARVIN
Adderall
KATIE
Percodan
MARVIN
Percocet
KATIE
Valium
MARVIN
Librium
BOTH
Okay!
(Then, as an afterthought to the game, both add:)
BOTH (cont’d)
Republican?
(Neither has risen.)
BOTH (cont’d)
Okay!
(And one more burst of curiosity.)
KATIE
Birther?
MARVIN
Flat-earther?
KATIE
Neo-Con?
MARVIN
Neo-Nazi?
KATIE
Tea party?
MARVIN
The Rent’s Too Damn High Party?
(They stand!)
BOTH
Okay!
(They high-five each other and do “Hand Jive.” )
MARVIN
We have more and more dates — seeing movies,
(They are both wearing 3D glasses. Movie plays. They reach for items that due to optical illusion seem to be in front of them)
Going to MoMA,
(To Katie) You’re supposed to sit in the chair while the artist stares at you.
KATIE
(She does) If I wanted an artist to stare at me, I’d ride the L train.
MARVIN
Taking walks:
KATIE
So, this is the High Line.
(They look around as in “what’s the big deal?”)
MARVIN
There comes a point, a few months into our relationship, where it seems like I’ll never be able to come up with another date idea — but then I let go and place my trust in my higher power: Time Out New York. A publication based on the time-honored journalistic principle that every article should contain the word “best.” We read one entitled “NY’s Best Multicultural Events” and go to a freestyle rap circle in Washington Square Park.
MARVIN (cont’d)
(Rapping. KATIE joins in on the last word of each line.)
I WRITE WEB ARTICLES FOR NEW YORK 1
YOUR KIDS NEED SUNSCREEN
WHEN THEY’RE PLAYING IN THE SUN
THE CENTRAL PARK RESERVOIR – A SAFE PLACE TO RUN?
NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD, HIT IT
KATIE
NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD
(Calls out a random word.)
Green.
MARVIN
THE ROOF OF YOUR BUILDING – IS IT GOING GREEN?
DRUG TESTING KITS – SHOULD YOU USE ONE ON YOUR TEEN?
YOUR BABY LOVES YOUR BREASTS, BUT IS IT TIME TO WEAN?
NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD
KATIE
Beatbox.
(He does)
Now bust a move!
MARVIN
(Dancing)
Old school. New school.
NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD
KATIE
Katie.
MARVIN
MY KATIE IS A CUTIE, A BEAUTY HEAD TO TOE
EVERY DAY THAT WE TALK AND PLAY MY FEELINGS GROW
SO GIVE IT UP YA’LL, SAY HEY TO MY HO
BOTH
HEY HO, HEY HO
NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD, HIT IT
NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD, NEW WORD
KATIE
Peace.
(Button)
MARVIN
(To Katie as they’re walking away)
Did you hear that? He called me brother. My whole life, I’ve wanted an African American to call me brother.
KATIE
And I’ve always wanted a man to call me his ho. That’s like a dream come true to most women.
MARVIN
I think you are the best of New York.
KATIE
I think you are one of New York’s hidden treasures.
MARVIN
I think you are a must see.
KATIE
I think you are a stay-cation.
(They kiss.)
(Date)
MARVIN
Time Out NY runs an article saying commitment is in and before you know it, we move in together.
(Fantasy)
KATIE
(Admiring their new digs)
Wow, Park Slope!
MARVIN
Time Out NY says it’s the best neighborhood — and 100 square feet!
(Date)
MARVIN (cont’d)
Living together is like yoga — you either learn to be way more flexible than you ever imagined or you end up getting seriously hurt. Either way, it’s a life changing experience. Fortunately, you and I are really good at communicating our needs — we’ve both had therapists who have told us never attack the other person’s character with accusatory, “you statements.” Rather, talk about your own feelings in “I statements,”:
(Fantasy)
KATIE
Marvin, I feel irritated when you act like a schmuck.
MARVIN
I feel frustrated when you say hurtful things.
KATIE
I feel bad when I’m forced to say hurtful things because you act like a schmuck.
MARVIN
Katie, I would appreciate it if you spoke to me in a (suddenly loud, angry) different tone.
KATIE
Marvin, I’m not a mind reader — what kind of tone are we talking about?
(Sees a dog she knows and excitedly/sweetly exclaims)
Butchy!
DOG TALKING BLUES (Press Play):
MARVIN
I WISH YOU WOULD TALK TO ME, BABY
THE WAY YOU TALK TO DOGS IN THE STREET
KATIE
(She speaks lovingly to the dog through song).
Yes, somebody’s handsome.
MARVIN
I WISH YOU WOULD TALK TO ME, BABY
THE WAY YOU TALK TO DOGS IN THE STREET
KATIE
Such a sweet face.
MARVIN
IF YOU WOULD USE THOSE WORDS WITH ME
I’D ROLL OVER AT YOUR FEET
(He howls)
WHEN YOU SAID:
KATIE
Who’s a good boy?
MARVIN
WELL I THOUGHT IT COULD BE ME
KATIE
Such a good boy. Such a good boy.
MARVIN
WHEN YOU SAID:
KATIE
Who likes their belly rubbed?
MARVIN
WELL I THOUGHT IT COULD BE ME
KATIE
I have a treat for you.
MARVIN
WHEN I HEAR YOUR VOICE CROON
KATIE
YES!!
MARVIN
(Howling) OWWW!
IT SETS ME FREE
BUT THE TRUTH IS, SOMETIMES BABY…
KATIE
Sit.
MARVIN
YOU’RE CRITICAL AND YOU BLAME
KATIE
No.
MARVIN
AND WHEN YOU DO THAT TO ME
I FEEL LIKE I’M WEARING THE CONE OF SHAME
BUT ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS TALK TO ME BABY
THE WAY YOU TALK TO ANY MUTT
KATIE
Look at that bone! Who’s got a big bone?
MARVIN
IF YOU DID THAT BABY, I WOULD LET YOU:
KEEP ME ON A SHORT LEASH
DRAG ME ANYWHERE
TIE ME UP OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET (If you’re into that)
YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER ME
EVEN IF IT’S THE LAW
AND FOREVERMORE, FOREVERMORE
I WOULD STAY CLOSE TO YOUR MARVELOUS BUTT
I CANNOT DENY IT, I’M INTO YOUR BUTT!
KATIE
All right Marvin, but if I speak to you that way you’re no longer allowed on the couch.
MARVIN
We get comfortable as a couple, which makes me… uncomfortable, because I know what comfortable leads to. Sure enough, one day, I am contentedly watching SportsCenter on a 55” OLED TV that takes up most of our apartment, when you ask:
(Fantasy)
KATIE
So, where is this going?
MARVIN
And I say:
Whoa, where’s the fire? Don’t pressure me – I’m only 41. And 41 is the new 18. (Beat) I need time to think — and fresh air – so I run out of the house and take the subway to the 24-hour Apple Store because that is the only way I know to self-soothe, but much to my surprise my eye gets caught by a bridal gown display window at Bergdorf’s. I think of other women I’ve dated — and yet, I never pictured any of them in one of those gowns – until you. It’s not just how beautiful you’d look in white, it’s all the marvelous things you would say:
KATIE
What luck to find this (wedding gown) in The Kardashian’s garbage!
Does this dress make my butt look committed?
(A la Butthead of ‘Beavis & Butthead’) Hey Beavis, this one says Vera Wang. Wang — huh huh, huh huh.
MARVIN
I have come to learn that you will say something outrageous and funny and original every day – and I can’t bear the thought of missing any of it. I return to you, propose; we become husband and wife, and go on our honeymoon to Las Vegas. Nine months later, our son is born.
Apparently, what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas.
Our son. I look forward to every aspect of having a child, from reading Dr. Seuss to using our stroller as a battering ram to slam into the ankles of single people who have the temerity to block our path.
REDO (Press Play):
KATIE
(With child in her arms) Oh Marvin, he has his whole life in front of him; he can grow up to be anything he wants.
MARVIN
Yeah, that’s true, or… anything we want.
KATIE
What?
MARVIN
IN MY YOUTH, MY YOUNGER YOUTH
I TRIED TO WRITE THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL
I THOUGHT THAT I WAS BORN TO BE
THE NEXT VACLAV HAVEL
I MADE A CHOICE
TO FIND MY VOICE
WAS NO JAMES JOYCE
SO I FREE-LANCED VARIOUSLY
NOW THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE MY SAY
IS TO LIVE VICARIOUSLY
HE’LL BE OUR REDO
WE’RE PARENTS, BABY, THAT’S WHAT WE DO
I HOPE AND PRAY THAT YOU’LL AGREE TO
DO A REDO
A DOO BE DOO BE DOO BE DEE DO (Like ‘coochie coo’)
A REDO
MARVIN 2.0
KATIE
No.
MARVIN
Oh come on – wasn’t there ever anything you really wanted to accomplish and fell short?
KATIE
Marvin, everybody has something they could have done better. I don’t dwell in that place.
MARVIN
But if you did?
KATIE
I’m always looking forward.
MARVIN
But if you weren’t?
KATIE
I’m opting out of this Common Core exam.
MARVIN
(Tantalizingly, Holding up the child) But-if-you-could?
KATIE
IN MY YOUTH, I TOOK PIANO LESSONS
(Plays scale)
BUT I DIDN’T PRACTICE EVERY DAY
(Plays scale badly)
THAT’S WHY THE SONG ‘GO TELL AUNT RHODY’
IS THE ONLY ONE THAT I CAN PLAY
MY ACHING EAR
IT LONGS TO HEAR
EACH SONG SO DEAR
PLAYED LIKE THIS:
(A bravura flourish on the piano)
NOT PRECARIOUSLY
WE’LL SIGN HIM UP
OUR LITTLE PUP
AND LIVE VICARIOUSLY
MARVIN
HE’LL BE OUR REDO
KATIE
Suzuki method!
MARVIN
WE’RE PARENTS, BABY
BOTH
THAT’S WHAT WE DO
MARVIN
3 hours a night.
KATIE
PLAY ‘DO RE MI FA SOL LA’
BOTH
‘TI’ DO
KATIE
And Mandarin.
BOTH
REDO
MARVIN
Chess.
BOTH
A REDO
KATIE
Kids love chess!
BOTH
A BETTER YOU AND ME!
KATIE
Wait!
WHAT IF THIS CHILD DOESN’T HAVE BRILLIANCE?
MARVIN
But if we teach him baby sign (language)…
KATIE
WHAT IF HE’S A NINE, NOT A TEN?
BOTH
Perish the thought.
KATIE
WHAT IF HE SHOWS NEITHER GRIT NOT RESILIENCE?
MARVIN
THEN I’LL GET YOU PREGNANT OVER AND OVER
AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
BOTH
WE’LL DO A REDO OF OUR REDO
ANOTHER KID, WILL TWO OR THREE DO?
MARVIN
IF WE HAVE SEX YOU CAN HELP ME TO
KATIE
DO A REDO
BOTH
(Sexy)
UNH UNH UNH UNH!!
A REDO
MARVIN
IS WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE
IS WHAT YOUR KIDS SHOULD BE
KATIE
IS WHAT YOUR KIDS SHOULD BE
IS WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE
MARVIN
Should we — (spins hands in circle to indicate “redo”)?
KATIE
Yes, do do that redo that you do so well.
BOTH
A REDO
BETTER THAN YOU AND
MARVIN
ME!
KATIE
(Topping him)
BETTER THAN YOU AND I
(Date)
MARVIN
I love the idea of being a father and the possibilities of the future, but the reality of right now is that I am an unpaid, always on-duty, security guard and nanny who will be senile long before I hit my son’s, “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me Pop” stage. There is endless screaming and crying and piss and poop and you and I are constantly down each other’s throats – but not in a sexual way. You say:
KATIE
You’re not paying enough attention to your son.
MARVIN
I just put him to bed. I have the drool on my shirt to prove it.
KATIE
I think that drool was from earlier today when you passed that blonde in the street.
MARVIN
I don’t look at other women. Are there other women in New York?
KATIE
There are certainly a few on your computer.
MARVIN
I have a friend who takes it upon himself to forward things. It’s a self-appointed position.
KATIE
We could use a few new positions around here.
MARVIN
Oh come on — do you need more attention or our son? There are only so many hours in a day.
KATIE
That is unacceptable. Either earn enough for us to have help or you help out more.
MARVIN
More? I barely leave the house. What happened to my career? I was once on a list called, ‘40 Guys Who Are 40 Who Might Still Make It.’
WTF (Press Play):
(Date)
MARVIN (cont’d)
So I start thinking… “Maybe I should have an affair — and while I’m just thinking about it, you actually go out and have one. You’ve always been more proactive.
(Fantasy)
KATIE
(On phone, lovey-dovey)
No you, no you…
(Sees Marvin)
I gotta go, bye.
MARVIN
WTF WERE YOU THINKING?
WTF DID YOU DO?
DID YOU KNOW WTF THIS WOULD DO TO ME?
WELL, WTF, DID YOU?
WTF SHOULD I TELL OUR KID
WHEN HE ASKS WTF IS GOING ON?
WTF DO I DO EVERY DAY AND NIGHT
WHEN YOU’RE OUT THE HOUSE AND GONE?
WTF DID OUR VOWS MEAN?
WTF HAS IT ALL BEEN FOR?
WTF IS THIS PAIN THAT I FEEL?
OH I KNOW – IT’S AN ACUTE CASE OF SCHMUCK
W.T. FUDGE (FUCK)
We separate and hire attorneys.
BOTH
IT’LL NEVER WORK OUT
FEMALE ATTORNEY (KATIE)
As your lawyer, I advise you to think of your ex as Hitler, Pol Pot, and Chris Christie all rolled into one. I’ll argue that her vengeful, controlling ways never allowed your son access to the bridge lanes of your heart, leading to emotional gridlock. I’ve always wanted to win a custody case through the skillful deployment of a metaphor.
BOTH
IT’LL NEVER WORK OUT
MALE ATTORNEY (MARVIN)
I’m actually a tax attorney, but don’t worry; you’re a woman, you’ll get custody.
BOTH
IT’LL NEVER WORK —
(Date)
MARVIN
Wait. After two months of OkCupid dates on that left me feeling OkStupid, we begin to reach out to each other by asking for the return of items that neither of us really needs.
(Fantasy)
(Marvin and Katie are on their cell phones)
KATIE
You have my lemon zester.
MARVIN
You have my Allen wrenches.
KATIE
You have my inspirational refrigerator magnets and my magnetic poetry kit. In fact, anything that’s bipolar should be sent my way.
(Date)
MARVIN
I make an appointment for us to see a couple’s therapist and on the third week, we have a break-through.
(Fantasy)
KATIE
In response doctor, to your assignment, I feel I can respect that Marvin needs some quiet time each night to write. Furthermore, I will compliment the actions that he takes to help our household, no matter how rarely they occur or how begrudgingly.
MARVIN
Katie, in keeping with my exposés on dirty delis – as seen on New York 1.com – and my love of rap – this for you:
I’M MARVIN SHAPIRO AND THIS IS MY REPORT
I TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED
SOLD OUR RELATIONSHIP SHORT
I’M A PIT BULL IN BODEGAS WHEN I SMELL EACH SHELF
BUT I NEVER STOPPED TO SMELL THE VIOLATIONS IN MYSELF
I STORED YOUR HEART IMPROPER
DIDN’T HANDLE WITH CARE
IF A MAN DOES THAT THEN MOLD WILL GROW
AND THEN DESPAIR
BUT NOW I’M WISE, APOLOGIZE
INTEND TO DISINFECT
THE INGRATITUDE IN MY ATTITUDE
WHICH HAS BEEN FULLY CHECKED
SO TAKE DOWN THAT GRADE PENDING NOTICE
NO DISS, NO DOUBT, PLEASE STAY
MY LADY KATIE, BE MY MATEY, CAUSE BABY YOU RATEY A “A”
(Marvin affixes a letter-size piece of paper with an “A” on it on Katie)
(Date)
MARVIN (cont’d)
We reunite. Unfortunately, we will never again be reunited with the $20,000 in retainer fees.
We grow old…
(Marvin and Katie hunch into old person shapes and make an audible groan)
Complaining about every part of our bodies.
(Fantasy)
KATIE
My feet have plantar fasciitis.
MARVIN
(delivered as a joke:) You have fascist feet?
KATIE
What?
MARVIN
Never mind. My neck gets stiff.
KATIE
Too bad your penis isn’t like your neck.
MARVIN
What?
KATIE
Never mind.
MARVIN
Then one day, you say your chest hurts.
After months in the hospital, both science and prayer fail you.
I miss you so much. There is hardly a block in this city that doesn’t have a Katie story. I look to my right to make a bad pun, or tell you that I’m not going into that restaurant because it’s cleanliness grade is only a B and there’s no you.
I miss the everyday things — passing the salt, holding a door, forwarding a funny email or even more lovingly, not forwarding a funny email. I miss hearing you talk to dogs and seeing them revel in your sweet voice and attention. I even miss arguing with you. To a Jewish guy, an argument is the best interaction you can have other than sex.
I walked by Bergdorf’s yesterday – another window full of wedding gowns.
I CHOSE YOU (Press Play):
MARVIN
THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BLONDE
OF WHOM I’D BE MORE FOND
BUT I CHOSE YOU
KATIE
THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MAN
WHO NEVER FREAKED AND RAN
COMPLETELY BETTER THAN (points to him)
BUT I CHOSE YOU
BOTH
WE’LL NEVER KNOW THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
WE’LL NEVER KNOW THE LIFE WE DIDN’T LIVE
IT COULD BE WE WERE MAJORLY MISTAKEN
BUT MEANWHILE TIME IS SAND THAT’S IN A SIEVE
MARVIN
That’s deep.
KATIE
We’re deep people.
MARVIN
THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SOUL
KATIE
WHO MET MY EVERY GOAL
MARVIN
WHO DIDN’T NEED CONTROL
KATIE
WHO DIDN’T LIKE TO BOWL
MARVIN
WHO DIDN’T HAVE THAT MOLE
KATIE
That’s a beauty mark; you have skinny legs and bad posture –
(They catch themselves and stop fighting.)
BOTH
BUT STILL LOVE, ON THE WHOLE
MARVIN
IN OUR BRIEF PAS DE DEUX ON EARTH
WE DANCED CHEEK TO CHEEK
KATIE
A FUSION MORE CHAOTIC THAN JAPA-MEXI-GREEK
MARVIN
AND I KNEW IT
BOTH
SOMEHOW I JUST KNEW IT
MARVIN
BEFORE YOU EVEN HAD THE CHANCE TO SPEAK
KATIE
BEFORE YOU EVEN HAD THE CHANCE TO SPEAK
MARVIN
BEFORE YOU EVEN HAD THE CHANCE TO SPEAK
(Date)
MARVIN (cont’d)
Of course that’s just one possible outcome. If you’re interested, I’m Marvin, number 33.
END ACT I.
THE MATTER (Press Play):
KATIE
WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KATIE
WHY IS KATIE ALONE
SHE SEEMS SO WITTY AND CHARMING
SHE SPEAKS RIGHT AFTER THE TONE
WHY HASN’T SOMEONE SNAGGED KATIE
KATIE SEEMS LIKE A CATCH
IF KATIE CLEMENS WERE COOKIES
I’D BAKE ME A BATCH
I WAS HAPPY READING MY BOOK AT HOME
BUT MY FRIENDS SAID THAT I SHOULD MINGLE
MEET A DAN, MEET A STAN, HAVE A DATING PLAN
MEET SOMEONE ELSE WHO’S SINGLE
MAYBE KATIE’S TOO BRASSY
MAYBE KATIE’S TOO MEEK
PIANIST
MAYBE YOU JUST NEED MORE MAKE-UP
KATIE
(To pianist) MAYBE JUST PLAY AND DON’T SPEAK
(Out) WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KATIE
PIANIST
I’D TELL YOU BUT YOU SAID TO BE QUIET
KATIE
Really, really?!
WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH SPEED-DATING DATES
Oh, what’s the matter with me?
Hi, I’m Katie, number 16, and this is also my first time doing Rotate-a-Date. I love the name. Makes me feel like I’m being slowly roasted on a spit.
Marvin, thank you for sharing your vision of our life together. Saves me having to make any decisions from here on out – we’ll just work our way through your checklist. I especially appreciate you giving me cancer at the end. It was cancer wasn’t it? Don’t answer — you didn’t let me and I won’t let you.
So Marvin number 33, with your cool space-age alphanumeric name, I see things unfolding a little differently. You look like the kind of guy who would want to be a little more adventurous on a first date than Japa-Mexi-Greek food. Or am I projecting that I would like you to be a little more adventurous? Hmm… not cliff-diving in Acapulco, but something beyond just dinner and a movie. I think you would take me to Coney Island. I find that strangely exciting, but at first, I can’t figure out why.
ROLLERCOASTER (Press Play):
KATIE (cont’d)
IS IT YOUR BIG BROWN EYES STARING INTO MINE
THAT IS MAKING MY HEART BEAT LIKE A TOM-TOM
IS IT YOUR CURLY HAIR
THE WARM SUMMER AIR
THE CHANCE THAT WE COULD BE A PRETTY HOT PAIR
YOUR AGILE MIND, THE FACT YOU’RE KIND
THE SCULPTURE YOU JUST MADE ME WITH AN ORANGE RIND
KATIE (cont’d)
NO — I’M ON A ROLLER COASTER — AAH OOH EEE
LITERALLY, A ROLLER COASTER — AAH OOH EEE
PEOPLE USE THAT WORD METAPHORICALLY
BUT I CAN CLEARLY STATE CATEGORICALLY
THAT I AM ON A ROLLER COASTER WITH YOU
BOTH
AHHH!!
KATIE
IS IT YOUR INTEREST IN ME, MY INTEREST IN YOU
THAT MAKES MY BLOOD PRESSURE SKEW A LITTLE HIGH?
THE SHAPE OF YOUR PHYSIQUE
THE JAWBONE IN YOUR CHEEK
YOUR BARITONE TONES
THAT MAKE ME WEAK
YOUR PERFECT BUTT
THE WAY YOU STRUT
THE FANTASY I HAVE WHERE I’M YOUR LITTLE SLUT?
NO, JUST ON A ROLLER COASTER — AAH OOH EEE
A REAL LIVE ROLLER COASTER — AAAAAH!
AT TIMES AN OVERUSED EXPRESSION
FOR AN UP AND DOWN IMPRESSION
BUT IN THIS CASE I’M REALLY, ACTUALLY, TRULY, ON
A ROLLER COASTER WITH YOU
BOTH
RIDING HIGH ON A ROLLER COASTER — AAH OOH EEE
THE G-FORCE OF A ROLLER COASTER — AAH OOH EEE
KATIE
ON A ROLL WITH A ROLLER COASTER
MARVIN
GO UP AND DOWN LIKE A BIPOLAR TOASTER
KATIE
NOT CHICKEN LIKE AN OVEN STUFFER ROASTER
MARVIN
BUY A SOUVENIR PHOTO, BLOW IT UP TO A POSTER
(Katie & Marvin freeze to show the “photo” that was taken of them)
BOTH
HOORAY I’M ON A ROLLER COASTER WITH YOU — WHOOO!
(Date)
KATIE
So thanks to the roller coaster my heart is racing and my pulse is pounding and we’re near the ocean walking along the beach and I think you’re going to kiss me under a full moon and how romantic, albeit clichéd, that would be, but all you do is tell me the history of Coney Island.
(Fantasy)
MARVIN
To Dutch and English settlers, “Coney” meant wabbit (rabbit).
(Elmer Fudd laugh)
KATIE
Turns out as a native New Yorker you know a lot about the city.
MARVIN
Nathan’s Famous first appeared in 1916…
KATIE
But if I hear the name Robert Moses one more time I think I’m going to scream – and what the hell is the Robert Moses Causeway anyway?
MARVIN
… a raised road across low or wet ground…
KATIE
Finally I do scream – well, inwardly — when you use the HopStop app on your iPhone to determine whether we should take the D, F, N, or Q trains back to Manhattan.
MARVIN
The Q.
KATIE
And I think I’ll never be able to tolerate this long-term. I decide that ours is a one-date relationship, but then on the subway trip back, you start talking to a 6-year old who is in some kind of high-tech wheelchair and you are so good with him.
MARVIN
That is an awesome Batman shirt. So let me guess what we’ve got here — this button launches the bat missiles, this one throws the Batarang, and this one makes a big party for your sister when she turns 13, it’s the… yes, the Bat Mitzvah! You rock!
(Date)
KATIE
And it touches me because many people seem to be afraid to talk to kids with disabilities yet you seem to seek them out, as if you are drawn to being a healing angel for disenfranchised souls.
But then I think, does that mean that you think that I am a disenfranchised soul? A charity case who needs to be pitied and rescued and made whole with your “healing light”? Screw you buddy, I don’t need your light.
Although you give your seat up for an elderly man.
But then you make a really lame joke when you see the ad for Dr. Zizmor, the “subway dermatologist”…
MARVIN
Zits-more.
KATIE
And oh no…
I’M ON A ROLLER COASTER
AAH OOH EEE
THIS TIME THE METAPHORICAL ROLLER COASTER
AAH-OOH-EEE
GOING UP, GOING DOWN
WHAT A PRINCE, WHAT A CLOWN
HAPPY FACE, NOW A FROWN
FOR I AM ON A ROLLER COASTER WITH YOU
I talk to my friends about it and they remind me that my previous longest relationship this year consisted of twenty-eight minutes of texting with a guy I met on line and two minutes of sexting – he was either way too quick on the trigger or he’d maxed his monthly data plan. So I give you another chance — many other chances. You do tell me the history of Central Park and the Chrysler Building…
MARVIN
The Chrysler Building was the tallest building for just a short period…
YOU LISTENED (Press Play):
KATIE
But then the oddest thing happens.
MARVIN
What type of architecture appeals to you?
KATIE
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION AND YOU LISTENED
A SMILE OF JOY APPEARED UPON MY FACE
A BRAND NEW MALE BEHAVIOR WAS CHRISTENED
AND IT WARMED ME IN A VERY PRIVATE PLACE
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION AND YOU LISTENED
ATTENTION MEN, THAT’S THE PERFECT THING TO DO
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION AND YOU LISTENED
YOU DIDN’T TURN IT BACK AROUND TO YOU
YOU DIDN’T TRY TO FIX MY PROBLEM
YOU JUST SAID YOU UNDERSTOOD
AND OH MY HEART BEGAN TO MELT
DID YOU GROW UP ON OPRAH
WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT RESPONSE
YOU SAID YOU KNEW JUST HOW I FELT, AHHH…
KATIE (cont’d)
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION AND YOU LISTENED
THIS IS WHAT THEY TALK ABOUT IN
“MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS”
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION AND YOU LISTENED
THAT’S ALMOST AS GOOD AS HAVING A LARGE PENIS
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION AND YOU LISTENED
TOUR JETE, ROND DE JAMBE, WHAT A THRILL
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION
CUE THE WEDDING MARCH PROCESSION
HOORAY, HOORAH, I’M GOING ON THE PILL
(False ending. Katie is so excited she gets a second wind.)
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION AND YOU LISTENED
MARVIN
What was that like when your mom said that to you?
KATIE
Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION AND YOU LISTENED
MARVIN
I’m interested in your point of view.
KATIE
(Squeals with glee)
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION AND YOU LISTENED
MARVIN
Is it fun to work in advertising?
KATIE
Too many focus groups.
YOU ASKED ME A QUESTION AND YOU LISTENED
MARVIN
Would you tell me more?
KATIE
YOU LISTENED
MARVIN
It’s okay to have those kinds of fears.
(Katie moans with delight)
MARVIN (cont’d)
I LISTEN THIS WAY
CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
GOD GAVE US ONE MOUTH
(operatic) BUT TWO EARS
(KATIE kisses him)
(Date)
KATIE
That kiss, wonderful as it may have been, comprises the entirety of our physical relationship for several weeks. I’m shy and have never before made the first move, but going all the way with you seems to require proactive behavior.
So one night I tell you to meet me at my place. When you arrive, I push you up against the wall. You’re terrified, but in a stammering Woody Allen kind of way that I find endearing.
(Fantasy)
MARVIN
You know, I was expecting my unrequited lust to at least continue until the first night of Sukkous.
KATIE
We’ve been going out for three weeks. If you can’t handle this Marvin, maybe you should leave.
MARVIN
Oh I can handle this; I’m an expert handler. I was trained in shipping and handling by the Postmaster General himself. Sadly, the Postmaster began to believe he was a real general and was wounded invading a FedEx store in Detroit.
KATIE
Shh!
PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT (Press Play):
KATIE (cont’d)
PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT MARVIN
I’M TAKING YOU FOR A RIDE
PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT MARVIN
THERE’S NO PLACE TO HIDE
MAYBE YOU’RE USED TO TIMID AND COY
BUT TIMID IS LIMITED, DON’T POSTPONE JOY
PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT MARVIN
YOU DON’T WANT TO GET THROWN
KATIE (cont’d)
PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT MARVIN
INFLATE YOUR AIRBAGS AS WELL
BECAUSE YOU MIGHT GET INJURED
WHEN I COME OUTTA MY SHELL
PUT ON YOUR CRASH HELMET, SHIN GUARDS, AND MASK
YOU MIGHT NEED DIRECTIONS BUT WON’T NEED TO ASK
PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT MARVIN
THESE ROADS ARE CURVY AND WET
I WANT TO BE UNAFRAID
I WANT TO TAKE A CHANCE
I WANT TO HEAR THE MUSIC OF LIFE PLAYING
AND ASK SOMEONE TO DANCE
I WANT TO BE FEARLESS
I WANT TO BE BOLD
I WANT TO BE THE HOT POTATO
THAT’S NOT TOO HOT TO HOLD
PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT MARVIN
TO RIDE YOU MUST BE THIS HEIGHT
PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT MARVIN
BOOSTER ROCKETS IGNITE
I’M NOT A QUIET THING DIETING
I’M GONNA TRY SOME RIOTING
SO PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT MARVIN
IF FOR ADVENTURE YOU’RE STARVIN’
PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT MARVIN
I’M – TAKING – YOU – FOR – A – RIDE
PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT AND RIDE
(Date)
KATIE
We make love. It’s surprisingly good.
(Marvin reacts with a “why wouldn’t it be good?” look)
I thought that all your neuroses would manifest themselves in bed as well and you’d interrupt things in the heat of the moment to check some kind of iPhone intercourse positions app –
(Fantasy)
MARVIN
It’s called HotBot – you put it next to the bed and it uses infrared monitoring of one’s body position to act as a kind of side-coach:
(Marvin touches his phone and we hear the first 8 notes of “Baby Got Back.” Katie stops it and interrupts.)
(Date)
KATIE
But for once you’re smart enough to not use your smart-phone. There is something about physical connection that frees you from worry and for the first time since I’ve known you, you are instinctive and take charge and it’s wonderful. In the afterglow, I start sharing all my little oddities with you.
(Fantasy)
KATIE (cont’d)
I could see us as a team, in our own little cocoon, not worrying about the rest of the world. We read the same books, listen to the same music — maybe even wear the same t-shirts.
MARVIN
(Marvin models an “I’m with Stupid” T-shirt in front of his body)
Don’t worry, I got you one too.
KATIE
We get to a point where we know each other so well; we can finish each other’s sentences.
MARVIN
I heard Ronnie is getting
KATIE
two cavities filled. I hope she knows
MARVIN
to not get amalgam fillings because
KATIE
they have mercury in them
MARVIN
and mercury is
KATIE
a known neurotoxin.
MARVIN
Yet outrageously,
KATIE
the American Dental Association
MARVIN
refuses to acknowledge
KATIE
that these fillings
MARVIN
are hazardous,
KATIE
even
MARVIN
though
KATIE
they’ve
MARVIN
been
KATIE
banned
MARVIN
in
KATIE
Sweden
MARVIN
and
BOTH
Denmark.
(They do celebratory hand jive)
(Date)
KATIE
In other words, we don’t get invited to a lot of parties. We move in together. Then about a year later, we’re at Coney Island again. This time you don’t mention how it declined in popularity after World War II. We make out on the beach at night under the Boardwalk and then we’re on the Cyclone, and just as the ride begins its slow ascent you say:
I WILL (Press Play):
MARVIN
Katie, would you be willing to go on an even scarier ride than this one?
KATIE
And when you ask me to marry you, I say “Yeeeeeeeeees.”
(Flat affect) Because I’m on a roller coaster.
MARVIN
The Doppler effect causes a steady sound to change pitch-
KATIE
In keeping with our eccentric tendencies, we write our own wedding vows.
MARVIN
WILL YOU LOVE ME ALWAYS AND TELL ME EVERY DAY
KATIE
I WILL
WILL YOU TELL ME NOW
AND NOT IN TEN YEARS IF YOU’RE GAY
MARVIN
I WILL
KATIE
WILL YOU TREAT ME KINDLY
AND ALWAYS STAY AS SWEET
MARVIN
I WILL
WILL YOU NOT MAKE HAAGEN DAZS
THE MAIN FOOD THAT YOU EAT
KATIE
(Long, tortured thought process, then –)
I WILL
MARVIN
SOMETHING OLD
SOMETHING NEW
KATIE
SOMETHING BORROWED
SOMETHING BLUE
MARVIN
I WILL
KATIE
I WILL
MARVIN
I DO
KATIE
I DO
BOTH
TILL DEATH DO US PART…
I WILL BE IN LOVE WITH YOU
KATIE
WILL YOU BE A GENTLEMAN AND OPEN UP EACH DOOR
MARVIN
I WILL
KATIE
WILL I NOT COME HOME ONE DAY
AND FIND YOU WITH A WHORE?
MARVIN
NO WHORES
WILL I NEVER LEARN YOU’RE WANTED IN FIVE STATES FOR BREAKING LAWS?
KATIE
JUST FOUR
MARVIN
AND WILL YOU KINDLY LEAVE THE HOUSE
WHEN YOU HIT MENOPAUSE
KATIE
UP YOURS
MARVIN
SOMETHING OLD
KATIE
SOMETHING NEW
SOMETHING GENTILE
MARVIN
SOMETHING JEW
SOMETHING STEADY
KATIE
SOMETHING STUCK
MARVIN
WHAT ARE WE DOING
KATIE
WHAT THE
BOTH
FUCK
MARVIN
EVERYONE WHO MARRIES SWEARS
THEY’LL ALWAYS STAY THE COURSE
KATIE
BUT HALF OF THOSE MARRIAGES
WILL WIND UP IN DIVORCE
BOTH
IF OURS SHOULD GO THAT WAY MY DEAR
IF YOU’RE NOT MINE TO KEEP
YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR ASS AT NIGHT
I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP
KATIE
I WILL
MARVIN
I WILL
KATIE
I WILL
MARVIN
I WILL
BOTH
I WILL
(They kiss.)
(Date)
KATIE
For our honeymoon, we go to Cancun — in spite of your fear that we’ll be killed by Mexican Drug Lords.
MARVIN
El Chapo no está en el prison.
KATIE
For our one-year anniversary, we go to Ireland.
IRISH WAITER (MARVIN)
Our special tonight is baked potato, with a side of mashed potato, julienne potato, scalloped potato, roasted potato, potato salad, hash browns, and chips. All served in a Mr. Potato Head bowl.
KATIE
For our second anniversary: apple picking in upstate New York.
MARVIN
(Pulls an iPhone out of a tree, makes any sound that indicates delight)
Ah!
KATIE
And by year three, all we do all is throw on some jeans and head down the block to an Indian restaurant.
(Fantasy)
MARVIN
So, three years.
KATIE
Yes.
MARVIN
Three very special years.
KATIE
Indeed.
MARVIN
Do you mind if I watch the playoffs later tonight?
KATIE
Yes. Indeed.
(Mutual silence)
MARVIN
My sister invited us to her house in Westport.
KATIE
We’ll have to bring a gift.
MARVIN
Olive oil is nice.
KATIE
We gave that last year.
MARVIN
Are you trying to lessen their dependency on oil?
KATIE
(Dryly) That’s funny.
(Date)
We try our best to keep in touch with our friends, but it’s a lot easier to make plans with someone who lives with you than with people who don’t and who are also, constantly, “crazy busy,” the official mantra of the 21st century.
TOO MUCH (Press Play):
KATIE (cont’d)
In between Netflix movies, General Tso’s chicken, and other shut-in staples, you and I spend more and more time together; at first, having deep conversations about everything, then medium deep conversations about many things, then short interchanges about little.
TOO MUCH SHARING
TOO MUCH SOUL-BARING
TOO MUCH LISTENING, UNDERSTANDING, AND CARING
MARVIN
I NEED A NIGHT WITH THE GUYS
KATIE
I NEED A DAY WITH THE GIRLS
MARVIN
I NEED TO SHOUT OUT “(primal macho roar)”
WHILE DOING SETS OF CURLS
BOTH
TOO MUCH TALKING
TOO MUCH LONG-WALKING
TOO MUCH WE SHOULD REDO THE BATHROOM
KATIE
WOULD YOU DO THE CAULKING
I NEED TO SMOKE WITH THE GIRLS
MARVIN
I NEED TO JOKE WITH THE GUYS
KATIE
I NEED A NIGHT AT CHIPPENDALES
TOUCHING ROCK-HARD THIGHS
IT’S NOT THAT YOU’RE BORING
MARVIN
IT’S NOT THAT YOU’RE DULL
KATIE
IT’S JUST THAT
BOTH
TOO MUCH ADORING
MAKES ME WANT TO SMASH YOUR SKULL –
JUST KIDDING
YOU KNOW THAT I WUB YOU!
(They each roll their eyes.)
KATIE
TOO MUCH CONNECTING
MARVIN
TOO MUCH RESPECTING
KATIE
TOO MUCH “I KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING WITH THIS STORY
MARVIN
SO I’M –
KATIE
INTERJECTING”
MARVIN
Oh, come on…
I NEED SOME TIME FOR MYSELF
KATIE
I NEED SOME PERSONAL SPACE
MARVIN
I NEED TO TELL YOU AS SWEETLY AS POSSIBLE
BOTH
“GET THE FUCK OUT MY FACE”
MARVIN
(Improvised melody)
I THINK WE COULD HAVE DONE THAT EVEN SWEETER.
BOTH
“GET THE FUCK OUT MY FACE”
KATIE
Meanwhile there’s a bigger issue looming. In subways, parks, and restaurants, you initiate conversations with children and make them laugh and I know that is code behavior for “let’s have kids honey.” But I don’t want kids. I told you that very clearly before we got married and I think you just thought you would charm me into changing my mind.
(Fantasy)
Marvin – they’re not your children. Why are you talking to them?
MARVIN
It’s fun, kids live in the now.
KATIE
I live in the now as well. Right now, I’m a creative director. Later, I want to go back to school, make documentary films, travel.
MARVIN
But the Mexican drug lords…
KATIE
Didn’t kill you the first time you went to Mexico.
MARVIN
They might have been too busy killing judges.
KATIE
Marvin, I don’t want to lose two decades of my prime being a servant to a loud screaming infant, who turns into a demanding toddler, who turns into an obnoxious kid, who turns into a surly teen, who turns into an ambitious adult, who moves halfway across the country for a job and responds to my heartfelt “how are you?” emails with a “thumbs up” emoji and isn’t around to take care of me in my old age, so what the hell was the point?
MARVIN
You can say a lot with the right emoji.
BOTH
IT’LL NEVER WORK OUT
(Date)
KATIE
We divorce, meet other mates and re-marry; you having kids, me having time to travel the world, volunteer as a docent at MoMA, produce five documentaries, learn four languages, earn three degrees, teach two graduate courses, and tend to my partridge in a pear tree.
Years later, we have a chance meeting at MoMA in front of a Georgia O’Keefe painting.
(Fantasy)
MARVIN
Katie.
KATIE
Marvin.
MARVIN
You look good.
KATIE
So do you.
(Awkward silence)
MARVIN
(Referring to the painting)
That flower is very erotic.
KATIE
Yes, I teach a course on it at Barnard: “Feminist Art: Labor, Labels, and Labia.”
MARVIN
Tell me more about it. I like to listen. God gave us one mouth but two ears.
KATIE
You bastard, you know what that line does to me.
(They kiss passionately)
(Date)
We have both made a good life with our spouses, but the chemistry was never as good. We know how circular it sounds to have an affair with someone to whom you were once married, but we do, making love on top of a storage bin containing Frida Kahlo self-portraits on loan courtesy of a generous grant from a consortium of Mexican drug lords.
Sadly, a few years later, you begin to develop Alzheimer’s. Your wife dies in a tragic accident when she falls off the High Line and goes splat on Gansevoort Street.
KATIE (cont’d)
Your kids don’t have the time to take care of you, I tried to warn you years ago – but did you listen? You live in a run-down assisted-living home near Coney Island.
When I visit, I pretend to be a volunteer for Nurses Without Borough Borders. You love the short white uniform and logo that shows Manhattan and Brooklyn holding hands.
You always were an amusement park ride of one sort or another – some dig the Cyclone, I was into “The Marvin.” But a roller coaster continually travels the same path and I needed more. In the end though, I realized that no one ever made my heart pound in quite the same way.
Sometimes, I walk you to the amusement park, sit next to you, and think of all the years that have gone by. You might not remember them, but I do.
ROLLERCOASTER-Reprise (Press Play):
(Fantasy)
KATIE (cont’d)
YOU WERE MY ROLLER COASTER
A RICKETY, BUT RELIABLE ROLLER COASTER
FUN, CRAZY LAUGHS, ROLLER COASTER
PEOPLE USE THAT WORD METAPHORICALLY
BUT I CAN CLEARLY STATE CATEGORICALLY
THAT I WAS ON A ROLLER COASTER
WORSE THAN SOME
BUT BETTER THAN MOST SIR
AND AT THE END OF THE RIDE
I REALIZE THAT I’D
HAD A PRETTY GOOD TIME
ON THAT ROLLER COASTER WITH YOU
I LOVED BEING ON A ROLLER COASTER WITH YOU
(Date)
KATIE (cont’d)
Of course that’s just another possible outcome. If you’re interested, I’m Katie, number 16.
END ACT II.
(Ding!)
SPEED DATE HOST (PIANIST)
Attention gentlemen, please rotate on to your next Rotate-A-Date partner.
(Katie and Marvin both seem reticent to have their date end)
KATIE
Well, that was unexpected and fun. Thank you.
MARVIN
Yes, thank you, for me as well.
(Awkward silence)
BOTH
So…
(Marvin starts to reluctantly walk away)
MARVIN
Katie, would you like to get a drink?
KATIE
You mean one of those fine selections over there from Ernest and Julio Gallo?
MARVIN
No, outside. And maybe a bite to eat — Japa-Mexi-Greek or Nathan’s Famous?
KATIE
Hmmm, well, I would be passing up meeting numbers 34 and 35.
MARVIN
You don’t need to meet 34 and 35. They … work for the NSA, so if they’re interested they already have your number.
(Authoritative) Katie, we’re getting a drink and a bite to eat.
KATIE
Yes sir!
MARVIN
Great! Really?
KATIE
Yes, but Marvin, before we head out I think there is something important for us to talk about.
MARVIN
Don’t worry, my treat, I have a Groupon!
KATIE
It’s not that. I’ve had a lot of fun with you tonight, but I’m concerned…
MARVIN
I think I know where you’re going. No pressure.
KATIE
Because I think we both know that, in some cases, optimism, when it clashes with an historical precedent of relentless disappointment, is a form of mental illness.
MARVIN
I am well acquainted with mental illness.
(Quickly covering)
I was a psych major.
KATIE
The key to happiness, Marvin, is to not need anything.
MARVIN
I do not need a thing.
KATIE
To be completely self-sufficient…
MARVIN
I have one of those radios that you crank to provide your own power –
KATIE
Not quite what I was…
Marvin, I don’t really think seeing the bright side should be considered a pathology, it’s just that I sometimes get frustrated. I didn’t expect to get to this age and…
MARVIN
I understand.
KATIE
You do?
MARVIN
Same-same. You know, Katie, if you want to talk about it … God gave me two ears and one mouth so I would listen twice as much as I talk.
(Marvin leans in expecting a kiss. It doesn’t happen.)
Yes, two ears and one mouth…
KATIE
Oh my God. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you believe I would kiss someone I’ve only known for 8 minutes? Based on some relationship scenarios that we made up on the spot? Sorry, earlier — having fun, now – I think maybe I should be going home.
(Gathering her belongings)
Where’s my phone?v It’s a Samsung Galaxy.
MARVIN
Katie …
KATIE
I didn’t mean to hurt you by mentioning a non-Apple product.
MARVIN
I’m sorry, I…
KATIE
You can tell all your friends you fooled a woman into thinking she was really special to you.
MARVIN
You are special Katie, why are you doing this?
IT’LL NEVER WORK OUT-Reprise (Press Play):
KATIE
Marvin, do you believe we actually lived a couple of lives together?
MARVIN
No, don’t be ridiculous! Well, sort of, just a little. Yes! Yes I do — in a crazy sort of way.
KATIE
I’m sorry; this is just too weird for me.
I BET THIS IS
YOUR SEDUCTION TECHNIQUE
WHICH YOU USE TO GET SEVERAL GIRLS A WEEK
YOU TELL THEM ‘BOUT THEIR FUTURE LIFE
AND HOW YOU’LL END UP MAN AND WIFE
I NOW SEE WHAT YOU’RE ALL ABOUT
MARVIN
THAT’S CRAZY, DON’T WORRY
LET’S HANG OUT, NO HURRY
NO DOUBT – WE CAN WORK IT ALL OUT
KATIE
OR EVEN WORSE
THOUGH YOU ACT NICE
YOU’VE PROBABLY GOT SEVERED LIMBS ON ICE
IN A SECRET ROOM BENEATH YOUR HOUSE
WHERE YOU KEEP WHAT WAS ONCE YOUR SPOUSE
I’VE PEPPER SPRAY AND I CAN SHOUT
MARVIN
NOT PSYCHO, JUST PLAYING
YOU’RE STRESSING, JUST SAYING
NO DOUBT – WE CAN WORK IT ALL OUT
KATIE
I’VE GOTTEN USED TO SINGLE
AND THE SINGLE THING I KNOW
IS TO HAVE SEX IN THE CITY
SIT ON COUCH, WATCH HBO
MARVIN
No!
KATIE
GOT FACEBOOK FRIENDS
MARVIN
BUT I’M REAL FLESH
KATIE
GOT CHOCOLATE BARS
MARVIN
BUT I’M MORE FRESH
KATIE
I WON’T BE SWAYED BY YOUR WORDS AND MOXIE
MARVIN
I LIKE THAT YOU’RE REAL AND NOT BOTOXY
KATIE
DON’T SWEET TALK ME YOU LYING LOUT
MARVIN
NO PANIC, NO WORRY
NOT NEEDY, NO HURRY
KATIE
YES WORRY, YES PANIC
MARVIN
YOU’RE ACTING QUITE MANIC
KATIE
I’VE NO DOUBT
MARVIN
Katie!
KATIE
I’VE NO DOUBT
MARVIN
Please!
KATIE
I’VE NO DOUBT
MARVIN
Don’t go!
KATIE
IT’LL NEVER WORK-
(Katie exits and slams the door behind her)
MARVIN
(Stunned. Then:)
Dammit Marvin – you said too much, too soon and you had to go for a kiss. You always manage to screw it up once you open your mouth — even when everything seems so promising.
Congratulations Mr. “I took an improv class to be more spontaneous,” you’re still Mr. Alone. You can look at other couples having fun and other families being together. You can spend time with your nephews, your friends, your friends’ families — a renter of happiness, but never an owner.
(Looks toward unseen other speed-daters)
Okay — show’s over 34 and 35 – rotate. Ding! Hope you had fun tonight. I got to spend two lives – (realizes he sounds crazy to the other attendees, recalibrates) — a few minutes — with an amazing woman – (then to himself) just enough to know I wanted more.
SO LITTLE (Press Play):
MARVIN (cont’d)
I WANTED TO KNOW YOU BETTER
I WANTED TO HEAR YOUR TALE
THOUGHT I’D FOUND A WORK OF ART
UNDER-VALUED AT A RUMMAGE SALE
I WANTED US TO HARMONIZE
BUT NEEDED YOU TO SING YOUR PART
HOW CAN I KNOW YOU SO LITTLE
AND STILL HAVE YOU BREAK MY HEART
KATIE
(Muffled at first. We hear KATIE from outside the door.)
I WANTED TO KNOW YOU BETTER
I WANTED TO US BE A TEAM
MARVIN
(Cautiously optimistic)
Katie?
KATIE
I WANTED TO WAKE FROM THE LIFE I WAS LIVING
MARVIN
Katie?!
KATIE
AND NESTLE IN A COMFY DREAM
MARVIN
Where are you?
KATIE
On 95th Street, locked out.
(To a homeless man) Sorry sir, I don’t have any change.
MARVIN
Maybe I can figure something out. I’ve been using the Lumosity app.
KATIE
There’s a sign that says, “This door is alarmed.” Poor door, it’s frightened.
MARVIN
Ignore the sign. Push as hard as you can.
(Marvin is trying to help from his end. When the door opens as a result of Katie’s push, it hits him in the face.)
KATIE
Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?
MARVIN
Both of our imagined lives are flashing before my eyes.
(Marvin is still woozy, but connecting with Katie is more important. They resume singing.)
BOTH
I WANTED TO SHARE LAUGHS AND CRIES
RIGHT FROM THE VERY START
KATIE
HOW CAN I KNOW YOU SO LITTLE
AND STILL HAVE YOU BREAK MY HEART
MARVIN
IS IT TOO MUCH TIME ON FACEBOOK
KATIE
IS IT GLUTEN IN THE BREAD
BOTH
IS IT SOMETHING IN A TED TALK
THAT’S REPLAYING IN MY HEAD
IS IT JUST A FEAR OF FAILURE
IS IT JUST A FEAR OF SUCCESS
IS IT THAT WE’RE PLAYING CHECKERS
BUT ASSUME WE’RE PLAYING CHESS
Mate?
I’D LIKE TO KNOW YOU BETTER
PLEASE TELL ME THAT I CAN
MARVIN
PLEASE BE MY CLEVER KATIE
KATIE
PLEASE BE MY MARVY MAN
BOTH
PLEASE HARMONIZE A SONG WITH ME
PLEASE SING YOUR PRETTY PART
PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOU MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE
KATIE
AND NEVER EVER BREAK MY HEART
Marvin, I went outside and the first thing I saw was a sign that said, “Coney Island – The Fun is Back!” and then I saw a sign advertising the new line of Vera Wang wedding gowns at Bergdorf’s, and I don’t usually believe in signs, but when the signs are actual signs, I think that’s a sign.
MARVIN
Makes sense to me.
KATIE
Really?
MARVIN
(Referring to her) Well, the fun is back.
KATIE
That’s so sweet. But Marvin, you had a child in your scenario and I didn’t.
MARVIN
Do you not want any?
KATIE
Want, but not sure I can —
MARVIN
I can live with that. Financially insecure. (Points to himself)
KATIE
I can live with that. I have turtles and I talk to them just like Rocky Balboa.
MARVIN
I get around on a push scooter.
KATIE
I have a cat.
MARVIN
…How old?
KATIE
Fifteen.
MARVIN
(Relief) I can live with that. Look Katie, everything is negotiable. I bet that’s frightening to someone who likes to be independent and not need anything.
KATIE
I was frightened because I didn’t know if you were crazy fun or just crazy; delightful or deluded, but I think you’re worth the risk. If I am to be your next victim, maybe they’ll name a law after me. I’ve always wanted that.
MARVIN
I’ll lobby for it from prison.
KATIE
This sort of thing isn’t supposed to happen at Rotate-a-Date. It’s supposed to be a humiliation one endures. A pretense where you spend $75 to fool yourself into thinking you might still find love among the leftovers.
MARVIN
Some leftovers are delicious.
KATIE
Marvin, guess what? – I’m always fantasizing lives. When I watch movies and read books, even when I talk to a customer service rep and I hear a male voice and I want one of those voices to be in my house saying, “have I done everything I can to resolve your issues?”
MARVIN
Have I done everything I can to resolve your issues?
KATIE
You listened.
MARVIN
Katie… if you want, we could be done with what didn’t happen or what might happen. If you want, we could be up to what does happen.
YOU COULD BE ANYTHING (Press Play):
MARVIN (cont’d)
YOU COULD BE ANYTHING WITH ME
YOU COULD BE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE
BREW UP SOME TEA LEAVES, TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE
YOU COULD BE ANYTHING WITH ME
WE COULD TRY ANYTHING YOU LIKE
WE COULD FLY AIRPLANES OR JUST RIDE A BIKE
THE WORLD’S TALLEST MOUNTAIN
LET’S TAKE A HIKE
WE COULD TRY ANYTHING YOU LIKE
BOTH
TWO INERT ELEMENTS UP TO THIS DAY
MARVIN
NOW WE’RE COMBUSTIBLE
SO LONG AS WE PLAY
KATIE
YOU COULD WIND UP A NEW TOY
MARVIN
YOU COULD WIND UP AN OBJECT OF JOY
KATIE
WHAT IF I WANTED TO WIND UP A “WE”
MARVIN
WELL THEN, YOU COULD WIND UP WITH ME
BOTH
AND WE’LL PLAY, PLAY, PLAY
WE’LL PLAY, PLAY, PLAY
MARVIN
WHEN OTHERS DEFINED US
IT SERVED TO CONFINE US
KATIE
IT SO UNDERMINED US
BUT NOW LETS UNWIND US
MARVIN
YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING
YOU ARE MY NOW
IF THIS WERE INDIA
YOU’D BE MY COW
KATIE
Your cow?
MARVIN
Sounds like an insult, but it’s a compliment.
KATIE
It’s never a compliment to call a woman a cow.
MARVIN
But in India the cow is sacred.
KATIE
Not – a – compliment.
BOTH
WE CAN MAKE UP THE LIFE WE WANT
MAXING MANHATTAN OR RELAXING VERMONT
WE MIGHT FIGHT BUT WE’LL ACHIEVE DÉTENTE
WE CAN MAKE UP THE LIFE WE WANT
I’VE LEARNED WHAT WE IMAGINE
CAN BE WHAT COMES TRUE
MARVIN
AND I KNEW IT
BOTH
SOMEHOW I JUST KNEW IT
MARVIN
BEFORE YOU EVEN HAD THE CHANCE TO SPEAK
KATIE
BEFORE YOU EVEN HAD THE CHANCE TO SPEAK
BOTH
BEFORE WE EVEN HAD THE CHANCE TO SPEAK
KATIE
If I wanted us to go to Coney Island right now, which subway should we take?
(Marvin reaches into his pocket for his iPhone – Katie stops his hand and touches his heart as if to show him “trust your instincts.” Marvin realizes he doesn’t need it — and confidently replies:)
MARVIN
The Q.
BOTH
I WOULD LOVE BEING ON A ROLLER COASTER WITH YOU
(Katie and Marvin kiss.)
THE END
